We derive exact, universal, closed-form quantum Monte Carlo estimators for finite-temperature energy susceptibility and fidelity susceptibility, applicable to essentially arbitrary Hamiltonians. Combined with recent advancements in Monte Carlo, our approach enables a black-box framework for studying quantum phase transitions–without requiring prior knowledge of an order parameter or the manual design of model-specific ergodic quantum Monte Carlo update rules. We demonstrate the utility of our method by applying a single implementation to the transverse-field Ising model, the XXZ model, and an ensemble of models related by random unitaries.